Thirteen-year-old prodigy, Tavi, is ruining my life.
It's stuff like THIS that makes me wonder what the frak I'm doing in college.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tavi
Thirteen-year-old prodigy, Tavi, is ruining my life.
It's stuff like THIS that makes me wonder what the frak I'm doing in college.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
And Don't it Feel Good
I don't know about that Miley Cyrus. There is definitely something a little fishy there. Her identity crisis is becoming more and more severe. One minute she is in some cooky mix-up as Hannah Montana and the next she is doing a pole-dance in stripper boots on live television. Oh, those crazy hormones.
She's "tah-erd uv livin' a dubble lah-eef."
Either way, she is here for now, and I suppose she is mildly interesting to follow. Her success is one of those classic "rags-to-riches" stories, if by "rags" you mean hillbilly-wealth and "riches" you mean exorbitant-sixteen-year-old-hillbilly-wealth.
Anyway, I shouldn't be too hard on her. She's got every single one of us singing her new hit single "Party in the U.S.A." It is one of those songs that you catch yourself singing absolutely everywhere, from the grocery store to funerals (which is inappropriate unless the deceased was a big Hannah Montana fan).
Regardless, Miley is harmless. I do not envision my future children finding some kind of romance in listening to "Party in the U.S.A." on retro iPods instead of the sound devices implanted in their heads. She just does not have that kind of replay value.
At the same time, crazier things have happened. In the last century, there were plenty of songs that should have died brutal deaths, but instead they lived on inside of a mutated americana that should have just been terminated at first playback. These songs have infiltrated our radio stations, our commercials, our films, our bot mitzvahs...the list goes on. And surely we hate them. I know I do, but somehow they just will not die.
What songs, you ask? Well, for instance:
Celebration - Kool & The Gang
Everything occurring in the above video is everything wrong with this song. It is only mildly enjoyable near the end of a wedding where everyone is drunk. Apart from this highly specific situation, there is nothing good about this song. It repeats something like ninety-three times and is a song that commands the listener to do something that is nearly impossible when listening to this funky jam.
Wild Thing - The Troggs
As is exemplified by the maudlin crowd in this video, no one really likes this song, but somehow we feel like we always need it. Whether we are stuffing a singing Valentine's Day bear or spending a crazy night at a Korean Karaoke bar, this song is unavoidable. However, it is terrible. It brings to mind such a weird visual of the lead singer and his "wild thing."
"Wild thing...I think I love you" (...that's nice) "but I WANNA KNOW FOR SURE" (...getting nervous) "so come on and...hold me tight" (gross) "...I love you."
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
I once called my boyfriend, frustrated because he wasn't answering his phone. I sang this song at its appropriate volume (a blood-curdling scream) while only repeating the lines "I'm walking on sunshine. Whoaaaa" for about sixty or seventy times. The punishment fit the crime.
...and last and certainly least...
All Star - Smash Mouth
If only his parents knew this is what he has been up to in his room.
Now, I am not trying to be dramatic here, but "All Star" may just be the epitome of everything I hate. This song, which became most popular from the movie Shrek, crept into every corner of media imaginable simply because it has the buzz phrase "all-star" in it. The lead singer gives me the absolute heebie-jeebies while he tries to pull off a whiny Blink 182 sound out of a pudgy, middle-aged body. For whatever reason, this song is used to advertise anything from sports equipment to obscure ointments. Terrible, terrible song.
There are many more songs that deserve this death penalty, but it is our apathy which allows them to continue to be in circulation. While we probably all secretly know that a song like "All Star" is less clever than an infant's ramblings, it is a lot easier to play it at someone's retirement party than to say how you actually feel about that person. A good mix of laziness and kitsch keeps these songs living and breathing in our culture. It is our collective fault, and only by our collective hand can we put an end to all of this.
Doubtful.
So maybe, Miley. Maybe "Party in the U.S.A." will be performed as an art piece in the School of Music at some major university. Crazier things have happened.
She's "tah-erd uv livin' a dubble lah-eef."
Either way, she is here for now, and I suppose she is mildly interesting to follow. Her success is one of those classic "rags-to-riches" stories, if by "rags" you mean hillbilly-wealth and "riches" you mean exorbitant-sixteen-year-old-hillbilly-wealth.
Anyway, I shouldn't be too hard on her. She's got every single one of us singing her new hit single "Party in the U.S.A." It is one of those songs that you catch yourself singing absolutely everywhere, from the grocery store to funerals (which is inappropriate unless the deceased was a big Hannah Montana fan).
Regardless, Miley is harmless. I do not envision my future children finding some kind of romance in listening to "Party in the U.S.A." on retro iPods instead of the sound devices implanted in their heads. She just does not have that kind of replay value.
At the same time, crazier things have happened. In the last century, there were plenty of songs that should have died brutal deaths, but instead they lived on inside of a mutated americana that should have just been terminated at first playback. These songs have infiltrated our radio stations, our commercials, our films, our bot mitzvahs...the list goes on. And surely we hate them. I know I do, but somehow they just will not die.
What songs, you ask? Well, for instance:
Celebration - Kool & The Gang
Everything occurring in the above video is everything wrong with this song. It is only mildly enjoyable near the end of a wedding where everyone is drunk. Apart from this highly specific situation, there is nothing good about this song. It repeats something like ninety-three times and is a song that commands the listener to do something that is nearly impossible when listening to this funky jam.
Wild Thing - The Troggs
As is exemplified by the maudlin crowd in this video, no one really likes this song, but somehow we feel like we always need it. Whether we are stuffing a singing Valentine's Day bear or spending a crazy night at a Korean Karaoke bar, this song is unavoidable. However, it is terrible. It brings to mind such a weird visual of the lead singer and his "wild thing."
"Wild thing...I think I love you" (...that's nice) "but I WANNA KNOW FOR SURE" (...getting nervous) "so come on and...hold me tight" (gross) "...I love you."
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
I once called my boyfriend, frustrated because he wasn't answering his phone. I sang this song at its appropriate volume (a blood-curdling scream) while only repeating the lines "I'm walking on sunshine. Whoaaaa" for about sixty or seventy times. The punishment fit the crime.
...and last and certainly least...
All Star - Smash Mouth
If only his parents knew this is what he has been up to in his room.
Now, I am not trying to be dramatic here, but "All Star" may just be the epitome of everything I hate. This song, which became most popular from the movie Shrek, crept into every corner of media imaginable simply because it has the buzz phrase "all-star" in it. The lead singer gives me the absolute heebie-jeebies while he tries to pull off a whiny Blink 182 sound out of a pudgy, middle-aged body. For whatever reason, this song is used to advertise anything from sports equipment to obscure ointments. Terrible, terrible song.
There are many more songs that deserve this death penalty, but it is our apathy which allows them to continue to be in circulation. While we probably all secretly know that a song like "All Star" is less clever than an infant's ramblings, it is a lot easier to play it at someone's retirement party than to say how you actually feel about that person. A good mix of laziness and kitsch keeps these songs living and breathing in our culture. It is our collective fault, and only by our collective hand can we put an end to all of this.
Doubtful.
So maybe, Miley. Maybe "Party in the U.S.A." will be performed as an art piece in the School of Music at some major university. Crazier things have happened.
Humble Beginnings
The purpose of this blog is to accelerate my stardom so that I can afford a house with a closet big enough to fit all of my Snuggies as well as those belonging to my future husband, the cloned version of Orson Welles (from his "War of the Worlds" days...NOT his Paul Masson declination).
VS 
The winner is clear.
When a film based on this blog is inevitably produced, I do not want Meryl Streep or Amy Adams to come anywhere near it. Instead, the actress starring as myself would definitely be Cher in full on Half-Breed garb (not because she bares any resemblance to me whatsoever. If that were the case, I would have to go with Josh Groban...in full on Half-Breed garb).
Half Breed...it's all she ever heard.
Eerily Similar Photos taken without knowledge of the other...freaky.
As for the challenging role of my boyfriend, Daniel, I know he would probably prefer Zach Braff, but after seeing "Slumdog Millionaire", I am pretty sold on Dev Patel.
Uncanny.
The film will gross well over a million dollars (I know, I know), and I will make a lofty portion of that. It will be the highlight of my existence and in my later years, I will probably endorse Paul Masson or some other fine champagne "inspired by that same french excellence".
That inevitability, however, is some time off from now. In the mean time, I am writing this blog with, I suppose, a secondary purpose of shedding some much needed perspective on everything. You're welcome.
But all of this will have to start later as I am too distracted by puppy videos on YouTube to continue any further.
VS The winner is clear.
When a film based on this blog is inevitably produced, I do not want Meryl Streep or Amy Adams to come anywhere near it. Instead, the actress starring as myself would definitely be Cher in full on Half-Breed garb (not because she bares any resemblance to me whatsoever. If that were the case, I would have to go with Josh Groban...in full on Half-Breed garb).
Half Breed...it's all she ever heard.
Eerily Similar Photos taken without knowledge of the other...freaky.
As for the challenging role of my boyfriend, Daniel, I know he would probably prefer Zach Braff, but after seeing "Slumdog Millionaire", I am pretty sold on Dev Patel.
Uncanny.
The film will gross well over a million dollars (I know, I know), and I will make a lofty portion of that. It will be the highlight of my existence and in my later years, I will probably endorse Paul Masson or some other fine champagne "inspired by that same french excellence".
That inevitability, however, is some time off from now. In the mean time, I am writing this blog with, I suppose, a secondary purpose of shedding some much needed perspective on everything. You're welcome.
But all of this will have to start later as I am too distracted by puppy videos on YouTube to continue any further.