New Worlds to Explore

For those of you who follow this blog, I wanted to let you know that I have...

...wait for it...

ANOTHER BLOG.

This is from Jekyll and Hyde which I thought was appropriate since having two blogs must mean I have two personalities.

The reason I am doing this is that I decided to devote a writing space to the part of myself that is a little less boisterous, arrogant, and pop-culturally literate. The new blog is far more personal.

Here she is: http://avoidingatrophy.blogspot.com/ 

I would love followers on my new blog as well, so if you are a fan of An Authority on Being you might want to expand your loyalties to Avoiding Atrophy.

As for An Authority on Being, it will still exist. Don't worry. Some entries will definitely feel more appropriate to run on this blog. Is that weird? We'll see. I might not have any friends after this.

A Confession

I will probably lose all of my followers when I say this, but what the heck, here it comes: I'm engaged...to be married (have been for about 8 months now). I am so engaged that I even have one of those wedding websites designed to cleverly disguise the fact that we have a registry (with an Xbox on it).

Here it is: Daniel and Christy's Cute as Crap Wedding Website
(hope you get a kick out of the flash intro)

Anyway, arguably the best part of our website is an application where people can request songs to be played at our wedding. I know, I know, you're thinking, "Wow. This is one seriously selfless couple" and you're right.

The only thing that is kind of lame about the song-request feature is that it only e-mails me the songs. They do not actually show up on the website. It's really a shame because I have received some incredible e-mails. From song-requests by minor celebrities to shocking confessions by John Hanson, I am continually overjoyed by the abuse of this function.

That is why I have decided to post them all here so that everyone can get the chance to see what I've been dealing with the past few days. Some of these are legit. Some are...

You have received a request for music from Rebecca Black:
Friday
Friday
Friday
Friday
Friday
You have received a request for music from Clint "The Man" Washington:
Proud Mary/ The TINA Turner. (Clearly)
If I Were a Boy/ THE Beyonce (The BEST)
Titanic Theme (Orchestra only please. No Celine) Thanks.
Baby/ (My Idol, but not Billy...THE J.BIEBS)
I Will Always Love You/ THE Whitney Houston and BOBBY BROWN YEAH!
You have received a request for music from Christy Lammert :
Teenage Dream/ Christy and Dan
Teenage Dream/ Christy and Dan
Teenage Dream/ Christy and Dan
Teenage Dream/ Christy and Dan
Teenage Dream/ Christy and Dan

You have received a request for music from John Hanson:
Because You Love Me / Celine Dion
Born This Way / Lady GaGa
Raise Your Glass / Pink
Wannabe / Spice Girls
Baby / Justin Bieber

You have received a request for music from John Hanson:
Hollaback Girl / Gwen Stefani
Oops!... I Did It Again / Britney Spears
Your Love Is My Drug / Ke$ha
Love Story / Taylor Swift
Whataya Want From Me? / Adam Lambert

You have received a request for music from Kaitie Wagner:
Don't Stop Believing by journey
Sweet Home Alabama by Lenorad Skynard

You have received a request for music from Julia Lopez-Mobilia:
a kiss to build a dream on (sleepless in seattle sountrack, baby!) By Louis Armstrong
You have received a request for music from That 13-year old Girl You Know:
Baby by Justin Bieber
Baby by Justin Bieber
Baby by Justin Bieber
Baby by Justin Bieber
Baby by Justin Bieber
You have received a request for music from An Anonymous Roommate of Daniel:
Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen
Teach Me How to Dougie by Cali Swag District
Yeah (3x) by Chris Brown
Pretty Girl Rock by Keri Hilson
Hey Ya! by OutKast
You have received a request for music from Jo Lammert:
"Don't Stop Me Now" Queen
A rap by Will Smith.
"Bang Bang Bang" Mark Ronson & The Intl
"Kiss From a Rose" Seal
"Party in the USA" Miley Cyrus

You have received a request for music from John Hanson:
What A Girl Wants / Christina Aguilera
Girls Just Want To Have Fun / Cyndi Lauper
Boyfriend / Ashlee Simpson
Girlfriend / Avril Lavigne
Dancing Queen / Abba

You have received a request for music from John Hanson:
Lovefool / The Cardigans
Just A Girl / No Doubt
Kiss Me / Sixpense None the Richer
Forever Your Girl / Paula Abdul
Boys Boys Boys / Lady GaGa

You have received a request for music from John Hanson:
Pretty Girl Rock / Keri Hilson
Whip My Hair / Willow
Just Dance / Lady GaGa (I know she's a repeat, but she's so hot right now!)
Material Girl / Madonna
It Must Have Been Love / Roxette
You have received a request for music from John Hanson:
Born This Way Lady Gaga
Poker Face Lady Gaga
Just Dance Lady Gaga
Paparazzi Lady Gaga
LoveGame Lady Gaga

You have received a request for music from Jessica O'Shoney:
Hanson
Backstreet Boys
NSync
J.Lo
Celine Dione
You have received a request for music from Rebecca Black:
Friday
Friday
Friday
Friday
Friday
You have received a request for music from The Make Up Artist/Wedding Singer/Grooms(wo)man:
Dancing in the Moonlight (King Harvest)
Why Don't We Just Dance (Josh Turner)
The Way You Make Me Feel (Michael Jackson)
Baby (Justin Bieber)
Touch Me ("Spring Awakening" Original Broadway Cast)
You have received a request for music from Patrick:
Cats in the cradle
theme song from gummy bears
helter skelter
the thong song
onward christian soldiers

Keep 'em coming, crazies.

No apologies

My reflection has always fascinated me. Really. Show me a mirror and I will pose so fiercely before it that Tyra and Christian Siriano will be begging for my mentorship (incidentally, I offer a one-hour fierceness tutorial for those interested).

I justify this habit in this way: It's not just me; It's all y'all fools. As the narrators, main characters, heroes, and often villains of our own stories, it makes sense that our reflections are ultimately interesting. Plus, sometimes we look fine as hell and we just want to remind ourselves. Am I right?


Pictured above: a baby looking fine as hell and unwilling to forget it.

Observing my reflection has been a behavior with few consequences and one which makes me rarely ashamed. There is, however, one notable exception to this rule.

The place where I have met this embarrassment is in one of the holiest of holies in the western world:


Fun Fact: I considered having my wedding at Target at one point in my life.

If you are a reflection-seeker, you may have noticed that at the checkout at most Target stores, there is a giant mirror on the wall. Let me tell you something: You can look at a mirror in your bedroom. You can catch a glimpse in your rear view mirror. You can even sneak a peak in a compact at random points throughout the day. But the ability to admire yourself as you check out at a superstore is a rare treat. Naturally, I indulge in this experience.

This mirror, however, is no ordinary mirror. It has a dark secret. Should you approach it too close, perhaps to remove eye gook, you will find that something is not quite right because, my friends, this mirror is, in fact...

A Two-Way Mirror



I know, right? Lame!

When you look closely (and believe me, I have), you will find that behind this tempting mirror is an office, often with people in it -- people...who are judging you.

Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way. My first time was both an eye gook and teeth-check situation, and when I approached the mirror closely, I found a pair of eyes staring back at me. At first, I was frightened. After that, I was embarrassed. In response to that feeling, I literally did one of those Ashlee Simpson jigs and walked away.

My question is: why does Target need a two-way mirror?

The obvious reason would be for security, but I like to think Target is certainly more complex than that.

In my mind, when I am checking out at a Target, there is an agent behind that mirror saying, "Oh my God. Roger, get over here" and Roger's like "Not now. Can't you see I'm busy?" and then that other guy is like, "No, you don't understand. We found her...", so then Roger drops whatever he's doing and runs to the mirror and says "Good God...there she is" and then they both just stand there for a good while and then that one guy is like "Should we contact the President now?" and Roger is like "No...no, it's too soon" but the other one's all like "But Rog-" and Roger interrupts with "I said it's too soon! She's not ready yet" and then I do my little jig as Roger starts to cry.

Anyway, I would like to say that I learned my lesson once I realized it was a two-way mirror, but let's be honest, the florescent lighting of Target just looks too good on me. However, every time I fall prey to the mirror's trick, I always make sure to do my jig. Because if there is one thing that Ashlee Simpson and the film Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood taught me, it's that a jig solves virtually all of your problems.