I justify this habit in this way: It's not just me; It's all y'all fools. As the narrators, main characters, heroes, and often villains of our own stories, it makes sense that our reflections are ultimately interesting. Plus, sometimes we look fine as hell and we just want to remind ourselves. Am I right?
Pictured above: a baby looking fine as hell and unwilling to forget it.
Observing my reflection has been a behavior with few consequences and one which makes me rarely ashamed. There is, however, one notable exception to this rule.
The place where I have met this embarrassment is in one of the holiest of holies in the western world:
Fun Fact: I considered having my wedding at Target at one point in my life.
If you are a reflection-seeker, you may have noticed that at the checkout at most Target stores, there is a giant mirror on the wall. Let me tell you something: You can look at a mirror in your bedroom. You can catch a glimpse in your rear view mirror. You can even sneak a peak in a compact at random points throughout the day. But the ability to admire yourself as you check out at a superstore is a rare treat. Naturally, I indulge in this experience.
This mirror, however, is no ordinary mirror. It has a dark secret. Should you approach it too close, perhaps to remove eye gook, you will find that something is not quite right because, my friends, this mirror is, in fact...
A Two-Way Mirror
I know, right? Lame!
When you look closely (and believe me, I have), you will find that behind this tempting mirror is an office, often with people in it -- people...who are judging you.
Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way. My first time was both an eye gook and teeth-check situation, and when I approached the mirror closely, I found a pair of eyes staring back at me. At first, I was frightened. After that, I was embarrassed. In response to that feeling, I literally did one of those Ashlee Simpson jigs and walked away.
My question is: why does Target need a two-way mirror?
The obvious reason would be for security, but I like to think Target is certainly more complex than that.
In my mind, when I am checking out at a Target, there is an agent behind that mirror saying, "Oh my God. Roger, get over here" and Roger's like "Not now. Can't you see I'm busy?" and then that other guy is like, "No, you don't understand. We found her...", so then Roger drops whatever he's doing and runs to the mirror and says "Good God...there she is" and then they both just stand there for a good while and then that one guy is like "Should we contact the President now?" and Roger is like "No...no, it's too soon" but the other one's all like "But Rog-" and Roger interrupts with "I said it's too soon! She's not ready yet" and then I do my little jig as Roger starts to cry.
Anyway, I would like to say that I learned my lesson once I realized it was a two-way mirror, but let's be honest, the florescent lighting of Target just looks too good on me. However, every time I fall prey to the mirror's trick, I always make sure to do my jig. Because if there is one thing that Ashlee Simpson and the film Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood taught me, it's that a jig solves virtually all of your problems.
3 comments:
I would like to formally request a performance of this jig upon our next meeting. Thank you.
Dustin, you are in for a treat.
Folks, she is a woman of her word.
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