And Don't it Feel Good

I don't know about that Miley Cyrus. There is definitely something a little fishy there. Her identity crisis is becoming more and more severe. One minute she is in some cooky mix-up as Hannah Montana and the next she is doing a pole-dance in stripper boots on live television. Oh, those crazy hormones.


She's "tah-erd uv livin' a dubble lah-eef."

Either way, she is here for now, and I suppose she is mildly interesting to follow. Her success is one of those classic "rags-to-riches" stories, if by "rags" you mean hillbilly-wealth and "riches" you mean exorbitant-sixteen-year-old-hillbilly-wealth.

Anyway, I shouldn't be too hard on her. She's got every single one of us singing her new hit single "Party in the U.S.A." It is one of those songs that you catch yourself singing absolutely everywhere, from the grocery store to funerals (which is inappropriate unless the deceased was a big Hannah Montana fan).

Regardless, Miley is harmless. I do not envision my future children finding some kind of romance in listening to "Party in the U.S.A." on retro iPods instead of the sound devices implanted in their heads. She just does not have that kind of replay value.

At the same time, crazier things have happened. In the last century, there were plenty of songs that should have died brutal deaths, but instead they lived on inside of a mutated americana that should have just been terminated at first playback. These songs have infiltrated our radio stations, our commercials, our films, our bot mitzvahs...the list goes on. And surely we hate them. I know I do, but somehow they just will not die.

What songs, you ask? Well, for instance:

Celebration - Kool & The Gang



Everything occurring in the above video is everything wrong with this song. It is only mildly enjoyable near the end of a wedding where everyone is drunk. Apart from this highly specific situation, there is nothing good about this song. It repeats something like ninety-three times and is a song that commands the listener to do something that is nearly impossible when listening to this funky jam.

Wild Thing - The Troggs



As is exemplified by the maudlin crowd in this video, no one really likes this song, but somehow we feel like we always need it. Whether we are stuffing a singing Valentine's Day bear or spending a crazy night at a Korean Karaoke bar, this song is unavoidable. However, it is terrible. It brings to mind such a weird visual of the lead singer and his "wild thing."

"Wild thing...I think I love you" (...that's nice) "but I WANNA KNOW FOR SURE" (...getting nervous) "so come on and...hold me tight" (gross) "...I love you."


Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves



I once called my boyfriend, frustrated because he wasn't answering his phone. I sang this song at its appropriate volume (a blood-curdling scream) while only repeating the lines "I'm walking on sunshine. Whoaaaa" for about sixty or seventy times. The punishment fit the crime.


...and last and certainly least...

All Star - Smash Mouth


If only his parents knew this is what he has been up to in his room.


Now, I am not trying to be dramatic here, but "All Star" may just be the epitome of everything I hate. This song, which became most popular from the movie Shrek, crept into every corner of media imaginable simply because it has the buzz phrase "all-star" in it. The lead singer gives me the absolute heebie-jeebies while he tries to pull off a whiny Blink 182 sound out of a pudgy, middle-aged body. For whatever reason, this song is used to advertise anything from sports equipment to obscure ointments. Terrible, terrible song.



There are many more songs that deserve this death penalty, but it is our apathy which allows them to continue to be in circulation. While we probably all secretly know that a song like "All Star" is less clever than an infant's ramblings, it is a lot easier to play it at someone's retirement party than to say how you actually feel about that person. A good mix of laziness and kitsch keeps these songs living and breathing in our culture. It is our collective fault, and only by our collective hand can we put an end to all of this.

Doubtful.

So maybe, Miley. Maybe "Party in the U.S.A." will be performed as an art piece in the School of Music at some major university. Crazier things have happened.